I've been sitting in what will be our baby's nursery for the past hour while the rest of the house sleeps, just thinking of what it will be like when she's here. Imagining waking up to her sweet little cries, picking her up and rocking her in the rocking chair as I sing her back to sleep, wondering how I got so lucky. Although I'm sure I'll be tired, I'll never get tired of it. Aside from her crib and a few small things, I haven't decorated it yet, but I've already designed the entire room in my mind.
I've replayed over and over the moment when I get to see her for the first time and how I'm pretty sure I will break down in tears. I know the first couple days with her will probably sleepless ones, not from her waking up throughout the night, but because I won't be able to stop looking at her beautiful face and tiny little features. I'm sure it will take quite a while to believe that it's real and she's finally here. All this time, all the uncertainty of when we'll get to meet her, where we'll find her, it makes it all so much more sweet. It'll make me so much more grateful to have her in my arms. Our family is complete. My heart is full. I believe in that moment, I will understand Heavenly Father's plan and why it was all meant to be.
I can't even begin to describe how much I long for her and how much my heart aches not having her here. I feel like I've always known this little angel, and Heavenly Father has let a part of us remember her when we felt this strong impression to adopt.
If you want to know what kind of mother I will be for your baby, I'll do my best to explain. We may not know her yet, but I can't even begin to describe how much Ben and I already love her. I can't imagine what it will feel like when she is actually, finally here. Her siblings already pray for her every night. They are doing all they can to raise money and help get things ready for her. She has an entire extended family willing to do what they can to bring her into our family. We have a lot of people praying for her, and for you. Realize that you are also already loved, because you will bring us the most amazing gift we could imagine. You will be a part of our family. Because I have so much more to say and I realize I'm getting off course, I will write more for you in another post.
From the moment that baby girl comes into our home, she will feel love. There will be no shortage of people in her life that want to love her, play with her and help take care of her. It's going to be hard not to completely spoil her, but I also want her to learn to be a strong, independent girl as she grows. I will love reading her stories, but I won't be the only one. She will have a big brother and sister who will love reading to her, as well. I hope to write a story all about her so she can understand who she is from the time she is tiny. I'll take her on walks, the park and hiking in beautiful nature.
I want to take her to the zoo and the aquarium and teach her all about the animals. I want to take her to feed ducks and watch how excited she gets. I want her to be able to experience so much and at times, it'll probably be hard to get things done because I'll want to be off exploring the world with her. I've even thought about our next vacation to Disneyland and how I don't think I'll have much desire to go on the big rides because I'll be so happy taking her on all the little rides and meeting princesses and fairies. One of the hardest things was when Roxie grew out of that little girl phase. Being able to experience it all over again will be so sweet. Every little experience with her will be so cherished because I've watched how fast her older siblings have grown, wishing I could go back and have more time when they were tiny.
In the spring, we'll dye dozens of eggs, have amazing Easter egg hunts, enjoy the birds' songs and butterflies and have picnics at the park.
In the summer we'll go camping, make new friends, go on vacation, probably to Oregon and Washington and play at the lake and the coast.
In the fall, we'll bake and paint sugar cookies, carve pumpkins, eat too much pumpkin pie and jump in leaves.
In the winter, we'll play in the snow and go sledding, watch plenty of Christmas movies, drink lots of cocoa, bake cookies for Santa and make magic reindeer food to sprinkle outside.
I want to help her find and develop her talents. I will do my best to raise her to be kind and have good manners. I realize all my children are unique and have different needs and desires. I'll do all I can to build her up and be confident with who she is. When she makes mistakes, I will do my best to be loving and help her understand why it wasn't a good choice and how to do it better next time. I want to have a great bond with her so she'll always want to come to me when life gets hard as she grows.
I hope we've raised her to understand she is right where she is meant to be. I hope she understands she is a daughter of God. I hope we have taught her and honored her culture the best we possibly can. I hope we have done a great job surrounding her with amazing people that will build her up and support her to be who she is. I hope she can grow up with a great relationship with her birth mother/ family and that we can have a great relationship, as well. I hope I can be the mom you wanted for her when you chose us.
I've now been sitting here for over 2 hours. I feel like I could write about her for hours. Everything I've imagined. Everything I hope. Everything we will do together as she grows up. I could tell you about the dreams I've had trying to find her and the ones after she is here, or how I've thought about each stage of her life as she grows, including her wedding day and beyond. I'm sure I'll write plenty more in the future, but tonight I think it's time for me to say goodnight!
