Life can surprise you and prepare you in ways you never expected or had even considered. A year ago, we never would have imagined we would be looking to adopt a Polynesian baby girl. I never would have imagined I would be sitting here, trying to find the words I want to say to you. To let know how incredibly important you will be to us and that you will always hold a special place in our hearts. To explain how deeply we already love this baby and yearn for her in ways we never thought possible and let you know we will do our very best to be the parents you so badly want for her. To start, I want to tell you how we ended up on this journey.
We have 3 biological children- a 10 year old boy, 8 year old girl and 3 year old boy. My pregnancies were very difficult, including severe morning sickness that kept me in bed for months. Childbirth was also very traumatic for me. In fact, I was actually unconscious during the birth of my first two children and missed some very precious first moments because of it. As much as we always felt we would have 4 children, neither of us could go through it again. We decided we were done having children. Part of me hurt at the thought of never having this 4th child to complete our family. To be honest, I often had moments alone where I would break down and cry over the loss of this child, but there was also part of me that felt content that I was supposed to be done with pregnancies. After 3 c-sections, it becomes risky and I definitely didn't want to put another child or myself at risk.
We had both considered adopting from the time we were little, but hadn't further discussed it until a few months ago. However, this journey to adopt starts even earlier, in 2015, when a vacation helped prepare us and helped us understand that adoption was supposed to be part of our lives. I appreciate you reading this because I know that our story is a little long and I've tried to condense it, but there is are a lot of details that are SO important to us that it makes it hard for me to cut much of it out.
In September 2015, Ben and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary in Hawai'i. We had both visited once before- I had gone for my graduation and Ben's dad took him when he was only 5. He may have been little and had traveled all over but, for some reason, he never forgot this trip and even started to develop a love for the islands and Polynesian culture at his young age. Ben had been wanting to return as an adult and we both quickly decided it was the perfect place for us to celebrate our anniversary.
We planned to spend a couple days in Oahu and then spend the rest of the time in Kauai. We had multiple people tell us we needed to visit Kauai, so thought one full day in Oahu would be sufficient- we planned to go to Pearl Harbor first thing in the morning and then head to the LDS temple and Polynesian Cultural Center. As we left Honolulu and drove up to Laie, something started to happen. A feeling we had never felt before and something I can only describe as a deep sense of peace, joy and excitement. For me, it almost felt like we were leaving this world and experiencing something more sacred, if that makes any sense.
We got to the temple and planned to spend a few minutes before heading over to the Polynesian Cultural Center. Despite and rainy and overcast day, it was breathtaking. We wished we had another day in Oahu so we could do a session inside the temple. It felt as if heaven was so close here.
On our way out, we decided to stop by the Visitor's Center. Two sister missionaries greeted us and I kind of assumed when they knew we were LDS and that we were in a hurry to get over to the PCC before the villages closed, that they would let us just do our own thing for a couple minutes. Instead, they chatted us up and even asked if we wanted to watch a video about Laie. Honestly, I wasn't very interested because we were so short on time and I didn't want to miss everything at the PCC before the luau started. They said the video was amazing and Ben, having the love for the culture that he had, wanted to watch it. When it was done, we both just sat there. Again, this overwhelming feeling of something more that we couldn't explain came over us. It was beautiful. There was an amazing spirit in that room. We both left feeling an incredible love for Laie. For the people.
We rushed over to the Polynesian Cultural Center and chose a couple of the villages to visit before it closed and the luau started. As we learned about the people, the culture and traditions, I felt incredibly moved with a deep reverence for this beautiful culture. When I visited Hawai'i as a teenager, it was beautiful but this was something more. I felt a pull now, as if something were drawing me to this world. As if I was remembering some part of myself, which made no sense at the time.
Luau time. Honestly, Ben had been dreading the luau a little. He had a fear of being one of those tourists that gets pulled up on stage and looks stupid while trying to hula. Not only did he (of course) love it, but he never expected what was going to happen.
As the luau was coming to an end, the woman who was serving as the MC informed us that it was time to bid us farewell. In a feeling that he didn't know how to describe, he began to weep uncontrollably. What made it even stranger was that he could not begin to explain why... All he knew was that he did not want to let go of whatever it was that he was feeling. The last time he remembered feeling a sense of love and loss so strong was when he had to leave his family behind when he left to spend a year in Iraq. It was as though he was leaving a beautiful part of himself behind that he had just barely discovered.
While we waited for "Ha- Breath of Life" to start, we spent the next few minutes walking around, trying to understand everything that had happened that day. Probably unsurprising at this point, I felt that same amazing spirit during this show. Everything was further intensified. More beauty. More emotion. More respect and love.
As we drove back to our hotel that night, we left Laie feeling like we had discovered a home we never knew existed. It may sound silly, but it felt like we were leaving behind a part of our souls we were just remembering. We were completely overcome with a love for Laie, the culture, the amazing people... we had both been moved to tears. This was nothing I had ever felt before. I never would have thought that the fun day we had planned would instead be an incredibly emotional, moving day. I didn't know what this was, but I felt an actual need to have it in my life.
We spent the next few days in Kauai. We had a private "vow renewal" of sorts and while it was absolutely beautiful and we had a wonderful time, we could not shake the feelings we felt in the few hours we spent in Laie. All we wanted was to go back and understand what it was.
We left our vacation feeling heartbroken to leave what felt like our home. A part of our hearts. Of course, who wants to leave Hawai'i??? But, this was something more. We wanted to learn all about the culture, the language, everything. We felt as if we were being called to something. We figured the reason we fell in love with everything about Laie was because we were meant to move there for some reason. What else could it mean?
We honestly made plans to do so, but for some reason, it just wasn't working out and didn't feel quite right. As a matter of fact, it seemed like things kept happening to keep us where we were.
It was almost 2 years later that we finally understood what that feeling of loss was when we left and why we had felt these overwhelming feelings of love for what seemed like everything there.
We were at my oldest son's baseball game. My husband was helping coach, but it was cold so I was watching the game from inside the car with my two younger children and their two cousins who were spending a couple days with us. It was honestly pretty chaotic- singing along to music, laughing, my youngest watching a show in the backseat and I was trying focused on the game, so what happened next was a complete shock. I had the strongest impression come over me that felt like a voice had whispered in my ear and it went directly into my heart. It was so strong, that I was no longer able to pay attention to the game or all the craziness in the car. It was like a scene in a movie where something important is happening and everything else around the person stops or goes completely silent. This impression was that we were to adopt and the reason I hadn't been sure about it the past was because it was not something I had thought of before- we were to adopt a little Polynesian girl. In that second, everything we had experienced before came flooding back to me. It all made sense.
I can leave out all the details about the next week unless you'd like to hear them in the future, but to make a long story a little shorter, we prayed about it and, although we both felt good about the decision, Ben wanted to take that next week while we were visiting family in Oregon/ Washington to be certain it was the right choice. I have to say it was almost comical how many things happened in that one short week to confirm this was absolutely meant to be. We came home feeling that this was 100% not of our own ideas or desires but coming from a higher power.
We now feel very strongly that everything we experienced on vacation 2 years ago was leading us and preparing us for this. That a part of our soul started to awaken when we drove to Laie that day. It now makes sense why Ben felt a feeling of loss most closely resembling the feeling he felt leaving his children behind to go to Iraq and why we felt like we were leaving behind a part of our hearts when we flew home. We fully believe this was all because of our daughter.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I've grown to love this little girl I've never met over the past few months. I now understand why I felt there was meant to be another child, even after we felt that I should be done giving birth. I now know this baby will complete our family. We've had so many things happen to us that we cannot deny she is absolutely meant to be a part of our lives.
Because our daughter will belong to a culture that is not our own, we want to do everything we can to raise her to understand and feel a part of her heritage. We are reaching out to Polynesian friends as well as building new relationships and will continue to find ways to bring more of the culture and support into our home. Most importantly, I felt that not only was there a particular little girl that was meant to be a part of our lives, but a birth mother, as well. We would love to have a good relationship with her birth mother/ birth family. I would love to talk more about this and our intentions for an open adoption if you decide to consider us.
We can't wait to find our baby girl. My kids are equally excited. As a matter of fact, for the past couple years, my daughter has tried begging, pleading and bargaining to get a little sister. I've told her it wasn't safe for me to have more babies and she simply said that we needed to adopt then! Apparently she understood before I even did! She didn't want to go on family vacations, have birthday presents or even go out to dinner or a movie because she said she just wanted to save up money so we could adopt. When we told her we had decided to adopt, you can probably imagine the joy she felt!
Thank you for taking the time to read this! I know it was so long but again, I have so much in my heart that is so hard to not share and hope that somehow I can help you truly understand our journey and why we were lead to this decision. PLEASE contact us if you have any questions you'd like us to answer. Thank you!!!
